Friday, April 27, 2012

Weekly Worded

 Another Victim of a Random Colonoscopy

    “You had another colonoscopy?”
    “A person can’t be too careful these days.”  
    “That’s four in the last five years?”
    “Actually, it’s five in the last four years.”
    “Aren’t the procedures annual?”
    “Yes, all colonoscopies are anal.”
    “I said annual, not anal.”
    "What manual?"
    "Never mind, let's back up and start again."
    “Maybe I need a hearing test.”
    “You don’t need any more medical tests.”
    “Tell me about it.  I didn’t plan on my last colonoscopy.”
    “Then why did you get it?”
    “I had terrible nasal congestion.”
    “And your doctor recommended a colonoscopy?”
    “No, I swallowed colon prep instead of Nyquil, so I went ahead with the procedure.”
    “Why would you do that?”
    “You wouldn’t ask if you’d ever gone through the preparation.”
    “It doesn’t sound like it was worth it.”
    “Actually, it cleared up my sinuses.”

Friday, April 20, 2012

Weekly Worded

Truth In Advertising

    “Congratulations Mr. Joseph, your reverse mortgage has been approved!”
    “My name is Mr. Arthur.”
    “Oh, I thought Arthur was your first name.”
    “No, it’s Joseph.”
    “But on the application here, you listed Arthur as your first name.”
    “I thought my approval chances would increase if I reversed it.”
    “I’m sorry, we need accurate information in order to process your application.”
    “At least you have my name straight, that’s a start.”
    “Is your address still 642 Olive Street?”
    “No, it’s 246.”
    “Mr. Arthur, this is very irregular.”
    “Call me Joseph.  I’m starting to dislike you.”
    “Do you understand what a reverse mortgage is?”
    “You give me money to reverse my fortunes?”
    “It’s far more sophisticated than that.”
    “Okay, basically you charge me a fee for completing this application, then offer me, as your ad says, a new future.”
    “Mr. Arthur...Joseph...we are empowered to provide you with an income to live out your remaining years.”
    “Remaining years?  This isn’t about making me younger?”
    “That, I’m afraid, is not within our powers.”
    “So who’s flipping the hot cakes now?”
    “We never claimed to be able to regenerate life.”
    “And I never claimed not to be who I am.”
    “But you filled out the application with erroneous information!”
    “I only reversed the truth.”
    “Truth reversed is a lie!”
    “So what is a Reverse Mortgage?”
    “Are your calling me a liar?”
    “No, I’m calling you a saint.”

Friday, April 13, 2012

Weekly Worded

After the Resurrection

Outside my window a skinny horse
trims my untrimmed grass.
I don’t own a horse.
I don’t want a horse.
Too many neighbors breed horses
only to hang them like silhouettes
against the horizon.

This one is hungry,
the grass crinkling like cellophane
each time she tears more loose.
I would feed her jelly beans,
solid chocolate bunnies,
all my marshmallow Peeps,
even peel the hard-boiled sun
before it disappears, if she’d eat it.

But it’s oatmeal in a bucket she takes. 
Now she will follow me anywhere
and I lead her back along
her own horse apple trail
to a poorly latched gate
that presides at her overgrazed field.

She leans her long head
against my shoulder
just as a fat moon begins to rise.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Weekly Worded

And the Frame Wasn’t Bad Either

Donated by an old lady
who got tired of staring
out the same canvas window.
I see trees

still leafless
a sun eternally setting
a signature barely legible 
as if the artist tried to scratch it out.

Not Picasso, not Monet.
I stoop for a better look.
Twelve dollars isn’t much
to resurrect this day.